A Modern Aspect of Grief

Robin Wood Tarot

I feel like I’m not handling my grief for my loss of my sister Halcyon very well. It’s only just over a month since she died, but I find myself crying an awful lot, and frequently. I am so over the stinging red eyes, the sore throat, the permanent lump, the soggy tissues and the ache in my heart. I don’t want to do this part any more.

Since the last death I had to cope with, social media has arrived and become established, and it is having a huge impact on me, one that I had not at all considered.

When one loses someone, one normally has some control over when one pokes at the raw and bloody abyss of one’s grief.

Not so on social media – you switch on in the morning with your cup of tea, to see what’s happening in the world, amongst your family and friends, and – BAM ! – you’re confronted with stuff that you are not in a position to deal with because it is so unexpected: how the hell can the first post you see on your timeline be from your sister  …. seeing as how she’s dead ? How has she managed to comment on that photo ? 

Oh right .... 

It was in May. Or February.  Or April. This year. Or last year. Or the year before that. When she was alive.

Someone else has revived it and refreshed it by commenting on it, or sharing it.

But for that blessed nano-second, your brain and reality lag behind to the time when she was still here. These unexpected emotional crashes take their toll – I am in no way hardened to losing my baby sister, often such a pain in the butt, always so cute and fun, and so I’m pondering blocking people until I can better cope: I need to re-assert that I have the right to try to choose when I am upset and when I cry.

 My middle niece is raising money for the hospice that cared for Halcyon, please sponsor her here.

You may remember the Ruby Shawl I made for Halcy as a late birthday present, for a ball she had been planning to attend - here is what happened to it.

Victorian Romantic Tarot

WIP Wednesday: Floral Crochet Blankey

Gilded Tarot

Just so's you know - I'm still here. And just so's you know I'm still alive, here's the proof:

I found a really pretty pattern for a baby blanket - Floreal Dreams, and it includes instructions for upsizing - always great when I don't have to do the math. Of course, you know Mini Diva won't tolerate any shade of pink, so I've adjusted it for the teals she likes: Stylecraft Special DK in 1708 Petrol, Cygnet DK in 211 Aqua, and Stylecraft Special DK in 1034 Sherbet. And white.

I'm about halfway through right now, maybe, and when I've used up the yarns I have, that will be 11 balls. Eleven 100 gram balls with an average meterage of 290-ish metres. And it won't be finished - I'll have to buy more. But we won't tell Titch that.

FO Friday: Halcyon Blues

Mystic Art Tarot

It's been offly quiet round here - the kids are still at their Nanny's, Titch has gone back to work ..... so distract myself and simultaneously do something useful, I crocheted a couple of blankeys for St.John's Hospice, who cared for my sister in the last week or so of her life. The patterns are quick to make and straightforward, but there is a peacefulness in the repetition, a kind of mindless focus, if that makes any sense. Made from good quality acrylic (Stylecraft Special DK and Cygnet DK), they are lightweight but warm, and very easy to care for: machine washable and of course needing no tumble-drying or ironing.

The first Granny Rectangle blanket is approx. 44'' long and 38'' wide, just right to throw on a bed or to snuggle someone up in a chair:

 


    The second one is a Granny Waves blankey, at 40'' long and 24'' wide,  the sort of size Americans call a 'lapghan' - enough to go over someone's lap and legs whilst sitting, or perhaps to drape over their shoulders:
 

Really, I'm posting just to let you know I'm still around .... but am off now to open some tins of paint to redecorate the kids' bedrooms as a surprise for when they come back ....

Sad Lammas

 

Hanson-Roberts Tarot

So today it's Lammas, one of the old cross-quarter days, that marks the first harvest of the year. And in some ways my sister's funeral service was an opportunity to see the harvest that her life brought her: the many, many friends and family that attended - some having travelled great distances - to pay their respects to her, share their memories of her, mourn her loss and show support for her family.

Tarot of the Sevenfold Mystery

Mythic Tarot

For me, III The Empress with her prolific bounty is linked in perpetuity with XIII Death, for without one there cannot be the other: without Death, there can be no growth; without growth there can be no Death - and harvest always means death: a scythe cuts down wheat as well as souls.

The star in this card reminds us that in death there is also new life .... which will end in time with another harvest. And that is what makes the Circle.

I wanted to thank each and every one of you who took the time to send me kind words at this time - you do not know how much they are appreciated: thank you very much.