I am not here.
No, I'm not a figment of your overactive imagination; this post is scheduled.
I am at the dentist.
My dentist is nothing like the one below, but the one below is the archetype taprooted into my brain like a particularly malevolent dandelion.
I am fully prepared for any aftermath: I am stocked up with ibuprofen, paracetamol and gin.
Think of me kindly when I'm gone.